Today I gave up one the most important things in my life.
Walking into that classroom in ninth grade... I had no idea who I would meet. It was 9th Period, World History. I expected the worst. Mean kids, lots of homework and even worse... scary teachers. What I didn't expect to find was you.
Dark hair, dark eyes, most beautiful eyelashes I've ever seen. You were quiet... I doubt you even took your eyes off your phone when I walked in. When we got the new assigned seats and I sat next to you... I couldn't have been anymore nervous.
I couldn't let the front that I had up for so long down, no matter how nervous I was you never would've been able to know. I was 14, and I was sure that I knew everything.
4 years later; I'm sitting on my bedroom floor at 12am crying, confused on how I lost you. You made me laugh when I was upset. You never let me get too serious about myself because you knew what dark memories waited within... waiting to jump in and drag me back to the prison cell I call my life. You showed me a whole new world, and for that I thank you.
I didn't wake up today thinking that after everything we've been through that it would all just break down and disappear. But the longer I talked to you this evening, the more I knew what had to be done.
This isn't the right time for us, you and I know that our parents know that... but we didn't want to believe it. More than anything did I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But I know now... after cutting the invisible lifeline that tied us together... I'll be okay. I know you will too.
I'm scared...
I'm not really sure what the point of this blog was... I think I just needed somewhere that I could talk about my feelings.
I have so many feelings.
I've spent so long trying to find a way out of this darkness. I've tried to pretend that it wasn't there...but now, I'm afraid it's swallowing me whole.
I have so much love and passion inside me... I want to share it... I want to let it out, but I can't. It seems wrong. Every time I start to let anything in... it blows up from the inside out... I hurt people that I didn't want to hurt.
One thing I've learned... it's a healing process...
Losing someone that you love is a healing process. A major part of your heart has just fallen off and died (as gross as that sounds), while the rest of your heart will have to work harder without it. Eventually, it will get better. You'll find someone or maybe even something to fill that void. It will hurt. It will hurt like hell, and you'll have to do physical therapy (metaphorical) to teach your heart to love again, but again you will love.
Like I said before, I have no idea why I'm writing this. Maybe I'm trying to convince myself... but hopefully. When I look at this tomorrow... I'll have convinced myself a little bit more.
