Today I gave up one the most important things in my life.
Walking into that classroom in ninth grade... I had no idea who I would meet. It was 9th Period, World History. I expected the worst. Mean kids, lots of homework and even worse... scary teachers. What I didn't expect to find was you.
Dark hair, dark eyes, most beautiful eyelashes I've ever seen. You were quiet... I doubt you even took your eyes off your phone when I walked in. When we got the new assigned seats and I sat next to you... I couldn't have been anymore nervous.
I couldn't let the front that I had up for so long down, no matter how nervous I was you never would've been able to know. I was 14, and I was sure that I knew everything.
4 years later; I'm sitting on my bedroom floor at 12am crying, confused on how I lost you. You made me laugh when I was upset. You never let me get too serious about myself because you knew what dark memories waited within... waiting to jump in and drag me back to the prison cell I call my life. You showed me a whole new world, and for that I thank you.
I didn't wake up today thinking that after everything we've been through that it would all just break down and disappear. But the longer I talked to you this evening, the more I knew what had to be done.
This isn't the right time for us, you and I know that our parents know that... but we didn't want to believe it. More than anything did I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But I know now... after cutting the invisible lifeline that tied us together... I'll be okay. I know you will too.
I'm scared...
I'm not really sure what the point of this blog was... I think I just needed somewhere that I could talk about my feelings.
I have so many feelings.
I've spent so long trying to find a way out of this darkness. I've tried to pretend that it wasn't there...but now, I'm afraid it's swallowing me whole.
I have so much love and passion inside me... I want to share it... I want to let it out, but I can't. It seems wrong. Every time I start to let anything in... it blows up from the inside out... I hurt people that I didn't want to hurt.
One thing I've learned... it's a healing process...
Losing someone that you love is a healing process. A major part of your heart has just fallen off and died (as gross as that sounds), while the rest of your heart will have to work harder without it. Eventually, it will get better. You'll find someone or maybe even something to fill that void. It will hurt. It will hurt like hell, and you'll have to do physical therapy (metaphorical) to teach your heart to love again, but again you will love.
Like I said before, I have no idea why I'm writing this. Maybe I'm trying to convince myself... but hopefully. When I look at this tomorrow... I'll have convinced myself a little bit more.
Sunday, January 21, 2018
Sunday, January 22, 2017
Diabetes Unmasked (1/22/17)
This week has been a lot better than previous weeks...
After reading the comments, suggestions and most inspirational stories I decided to try something new to dedicate myself to my diabetes.
At my high school, we had a speaker come in from the non-profit organization Because I said I Would...
When I first found out we were having an inspirational speaker at all I expected the worst but as I would soon find out this message that the speaker delivered would change my life forever.
Because I said I Would is an organization that focuses on the importance of promises.
They have these little 4"x2" index card type things and at that top, it says: "Because I said I Would".
The area under this simple phrase is blank and you're encouraged to write something down that you are promising either yourself or someone else.
Now, after you finish filling out this card you either give it to someone else to hold on to and to hold you accountable. Or, you put it somewhere that you'll see it and be reminded of your promise. In my case, I taped it on the wall.
I love the entire idea of these cards. I think that promises are super important and this is a great way to reinstall that value in hundreds of people.
If you're interested in Because I said I Would, I will include the link to the homepage and I encourage you to order some cards and make your own promises. I'd love to hear about how they helped you. (:
I've promised many a time that I was going to take back control of my diabetes... but it seems like every single time I fail. Hopefully, this time will be different...
My mom told me something a little while ago and I'm not sure she knows how deeply it really touched me...
She told me that every time I don't test, or I don't cover my food is one cut that I'm placing on my arm...
Every time I don't do something I am supposed to do in regard to my Diabetes... I'm killing myself...
That's a scary reality... It's scary enough to know that because of this disease my life expectancy is shorter and my risk of other health scares is higher... but to know that every time I don't follow my plan I'm shortening my lifespan...
Using the Because I said I Would card, I think this will truly change the way I look at this whole situation. It's no longer something I'm doing just because I have to, or because my mom asked me to. It's something that I promised myself... and if I can't trust myself... who can I trust?
If you have anything to add to any of the topics displayed here or any questions today please feel free to leave comments, I love reading the inspirational stories and words of encouragement!
All of my readers are vital pieces in helping me better myself and to help me take control of my life again.
Have a good week!!!!
Because I said I Would
After reading the comments, suggestions and most inspirational stories I decided to try something new to dedicate myself to my diabetes.
At my high school, we had a speaker come in from the non-profit organization Because I said I Would...
When I first found out we were having an inspirational speaker at all I expected the worst but as I would soon find out this message that the speaker delivered would change my life forever.
Because I said I Would is an organization that focuses on the importance of promises.
They have these little 4"x2" index card type things and at that top, it says: "Because I said I Would".
The area under this simple phrase is blank and you're encouraged to write something down that you are promising either yourself or someone else.
Now, after you finish filling out this card you either give it to someone else to hold on to and to hold you accountable. Or, you put it somewhere that you'll see it and be reminded of your promise. In my case, I taped it on the wall.
I love the entire idea of these cards. I think that promises are super important and this is a great way to reinstall that value in hundreds of people.
If you're interested in Because I said I Would, I will include the link to the homepage and I encourage you to order some cards and make your own promises. I'd love to hear about how they helped you. (:
I've promised many a time that I was going to take back control of my diabetes... but it seems like every single time I fail. Hopefully, this time will be different...
My mom told me something a little while ago and I'm not sure she knows how deeply it really touched me...
She told me that every time I don't test, or I don't cover my food is one cut that I'm placing on my arm...
Every time I don't do something I am supposed to do in regard to my Diabetes... I'm killing myself...
That's a scary reality... It's scary enough to know that because of this disease my life expectancy is shorter and my risk of other health scares is higher... but to know that every time I don't follow my plan I'm shortening my lifespan...
Using the Because I said I Would card, I think this will truly change the way I look at this whole situation. It's no longer something I'm doing just because I have to, or because my mom asked me to. It's something that I promised myself... and if I can't trust myself... who can I trust?
If you have anything to add to any of the topics displayed here or any questions today please feel free to leave comments, I love reading the inspirational stories and words of encouragement! All of my readers are vital pieces in helping me better myself and to help me take control of my life again.
Have a good week!!!!
Because I said I Would
Sunday, January 15, 2017
Diabetes Unmasked (1/15/17)
Not gonna lie... The past couple days have been rough.
Not just with diabetes, being a teenager in this era is a struggle. Every single time we post something for our "friends" to see we could compromise our entire futures. It's a lot of pressure for someone that can barely make Mac&Cheese.
But back to the big D1:
Personally, I struggle a lot with my diabetes. It's something I wish wasn't true but in all reality, I think with every time I admit to it I get a little bit better.
My biggest struggle is testing my bloodsugar. Being that I'm 17 years old my doctors want me testing between 4-6 times per day. That seems extremely manageable. Something that I should be able to do effortlessly. But this should-be habit is more of a forgotten to-do list.
When it comes to testing my bloodsugar I'll do really really good for weeks and then all of a sudden I'll miss one check, and then I get pissed that I missed one test and I'll miss another and another until I haven't checked for days... It's a terrible excuse and an even more terrible habit but sadly, it's mine.
~If you have any tips for this, or any stories please comment below, I'm trying to change my life for the better (:
I was thinking a lot about commitment this week after listening to a podcast on it. While thinking about commitment I came up with three questions to think about:
1. Are you committed to not only your diabetes but to your health and well-being in general?
2. Are you committed to your goals?
3. Are you committed to happiness?
After thinking about these questions, I would like you to read my responses...
1. Are you committed to not only your diabetes but to your health and well-being in general?
I don't think I am committed to my diabetes. I think that I look at my diabetes as an excuse for not making the best decisions both socially and physically in my life, I also think that I'm not committed to my health at all.
2.Are you committed to your goals?
I love making goals... I like aiming for them... but the steps to get there seem to leave my mind. I wanted to go to medical school and become a surgeon and live in NYC. Those were my big life goals... but I'm throwing that away left and right because of the decisions I'm making (not only regarding my diabetes) are ruining all my chances. The possibility of being able to accomplish those goals aren't even worth talking about...
3. Are you committed to your happiness?
Not even close... I truly believe that happiness is almost unreachable. The world is an extremely sad and unhappy place. Although I don't want to be another one of its victims, sadly I think I'm falling into being just another statistics.
These answers suck... answering them sucked.
After answering them I think that I'm going to relate back to them with creating a solution and a promise to you... the reader to try and change these answers for the better.
Answer them for yourself too, come up with your own promises and goals and post them in the comments below. (:
1. I am going to work harder on my diabetes. I'm going to hold myself accountable for my diabetes, I want to be a good example of a diabetic for younger diabetics.
Mistakes will happen, but I'm not gonna let a mistake stop me.
2. I'm gonna stop making goals and start making priorities. Goals make it sound like something you might get to one day. Priorities, on the other hand, are things that you will do. No matter what. Nothing stops them. They will happen.
3. Happiness is a priority. No longer will I be a statistic. I'm going to break the odds. I will succeed.
As I write these priorities, I want you (the readers) to know that I hold myself accountable to you. With your help I will be able to accomplish my goals. I hope that we can make a sort of family on here. We can all support each other in our priorities and help each other change the world.
Not just with diabetes, being a teenager in this era is a struggle. Every single time we post something for our "friends" to see we could compromise our entire futures. It's a lot of pressure for someone that can barely make Mac&Cheese.
But back to the big D1:
Personally, I struggle a lot with my diabetes. It's something I wish wasn't true but in all reality, I think with every time I admit to it I get a little bit better.
My biggest struggle is testing my bloodsugar. Being that I'm 17 years old my doctors want me testing between 4-6 times per day. That seems extremely manageable. Something that I should be able to do effortlessly. But this should-be habit is more of a forgotten to-do list.
When it comes to testing my bloodsugar I'll do really really good for weeks and then all of a sudden I'll miss one check, and then I get pissed that I missed one test and I'll miss another and another until I haven't checked for days... It's a terrible excuse and an even more terrible habit but sadly, it's mine.
~If you have any tips for this, or any stories please comment below, I'm trying to change my life for the better (:
I was thinking a lot about commitment this week after listening to a podcast on it. While thinking about commitment I came up with three questions to think about:
1. Are you committed to not only your diabetes but to your health and well-being in general?
2. Are you committed to your goals?
3. Are you committed to happiness?
After thinking about these questions, I would like you to read my responses...
1. Are you committed to not only your diabetes but to your health and well-being in general?
I don't think I am committed to my diabetes. I think that I look at my diabetes as an excuse for not making the best decisions both socially and physically in my life, I also think that I'm not committed to my health at all.
2.Are you committed to your goals?
I love making goals... I like aiming for them... but the steps to get there seem to leave my mind. I wanted to go to medical school and become a surgeon and live in NYC. Those were my big life goals... but I'm throwing that away left and right because of the decisions I'm making (not only regarding my diabetes) are ruining all my chances. The possibility of being able to accomplish those goals aren't even worth talking about...
3. Are you committed to your happiness?
Not even close... I truly believe that happiness is almost unreachable. The world is an extremely sad and unhappy place. Although I don't want to be another one of its victims, sadly I think I'm falling into being just another statistics.
These answers suck... answering them sucked.
After answering them I think that I'm going to relate back to them with creating a solution and a promise to you... the reader to try and change these answers for the better.
Answer them for yourself too, come up with your own promises and goals and post them in the comments below. (:
1. I am going to work harder on my diabetes. I'm going to hold myself accountable for my diabetes, I want to be a good example of a diabetic for younger diabetics.
Mistakes will happen, but I'm not gonna let a mistake stop me.
2. I'm gonna stop making goals and start making priorities. Goals make it sound like something you might get to one day. Priorities, on the other hand, are things that you will do. No matter what. Nothing stops them. They will happen.
3. Happiness is a priority. No longer will I be a statistic. I'm going to break the odds. I will succeed.
As I write these priorities, I want you (the readers) to know that I hold myself accountable to you. With your help I will be able to accomplish my goals. I hope that we can make a sort of family on here. We can all support each other in our priorities and help each other change the world.
Saturday, January 7, 2017
Diabetes Unmasked (1/7/17)
Those that are Wandering are not Always Lost...
Those words can be very heavy on certain people's hearts, my own being one of them... College is about two blocks away but I can feel the bearing it's having on my life already.
Not only do I have school, work, my boyfriend and friends to juggle... but I also have diabetes...
It took me a really long time to be able to type and leave that in a blog... this is my second time trying this whole blogging thing. I thought it would be a good way to leave my opinions and thoughts in a safe place.
Diabetes is what they call a manageable disease. I don't see it that way.
I look at Diabetes as something that has ruined my entire life.
Extra bills to pay
Extra time to test and go to the doctors....
Time and money that a young adult going into the "real world" doesn't have.
(You're gonna notice that I kinda write choppy. As my mind goes my fingers follow.)
This first post is probably going to be long. I've got a lot to vent about.
Back to the point of the title tho,
After I was diagnosed I feel like I've been wandering non-stop.... Not the kind that the quote is talking about either. The kind you do when you're actually lost. I thought I knew where my life was going... I thought I'd have a long and fulfilling life that every human deserves.
But nahhh, I didn't get that lucky.
I chose that as the topic of this blog because I want to prove it wrong in my life.
When you get diagnosed with Diabetes you get told 3 main things.
1. You're gonna be okay.
2. This is manageable and you can do it.
3. You're life will change...
I was diagnosed at 12 years old. (Meaning that I'm only 5 years in) I was admitted 3 days before New Year's Eve. I went into a Diabetic Acoma 3hrs after being taken to the hospital... I don't remember leaving my house...
I remember waking up to my Grandparents and my mom staring at me, my mom looked so relieved that I had finally woken up. Apparently, the doctors had told her that my brain had swollen to a point that concerned them greatly... I didn't even know that I scared my mom have to death...
When I told my closest friends that I was a Type 1 Diabetic they all kinda gave me the same reply... "but you're not fat"
Any other diabetic reading this is probably thinking the same thing...
NOT ALL DIABETICS HAVE PROBLEMS WITH THEIR WEIGHT. DIFFERENT TYPE OF DIABETES.
Those three points that I talked about earlier well, I'm gonna tell you what I heard when they tried to teach me these things,
1. You're gonna be okay. : You're screwed.
2. This is manageable and you can do it. : This is gonna ruin your life and you have no choice but to live with it.
3. Your life will change. : I hate Needles...
Diabetes sucks. I'm not a doctor so I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.
This is Diabetes Unmasked.
This blog is gonna be mainly about my struggles in my diabetes. If there's something you want to tell me, whether it's a story, or something you want me to talk about from my personal experience, comment below.
Those words can be very heavy on certain people's hearts, my own being one of them... College is about two blocks away but I can feel the bearing it's having on my life already.
Not only do I have school, work, my boyfriend and friends to juggle... but I also have diabetes...
It took me a really long time to be able to type and leave that in a blog... this is my second time trying this whole blogging thing. I thought it would be a good way to leave my opinions and thoughts in a safe place.
Diabetes is what they call a manageable disease. I don't see it that way.
I look at Diabetes as something that has ruined my entire life.
Extra bills to pay
Extra time to test and go to the doctors....
Time and money that a young adult going into the "real world" doesn't have.
(You're gonna notice that I kinda write choppy. As my mind goes my fingers follow.)
This first post is probably going to be long. I've got a lot to vent about.
Back to the point of the title tho,
After I was diagnosed I feel like I've been wandering non-stop.... Not the kind that the quote is talking about either. The kind you do when you're actually lost. I thought I knew where my life was going... I thought I'd have a long and fulfilling life that every human deserves.
But nahhh, I didn't get that lucky.
I chose that as the topic of this blog because I want to prove it wrong in my life.
When you get diagnosed with Diabetes you get told 3 main things.
1. You're gonna be okay.
2. This is manageable and you can do it.
3. You're life will change...
I was diagnosed at 12 years old. (Meaning that I'm only 5 years in) I was admitted 3 days before New Year's Eve. I went into a Diabetic Acoma 3hrs after being taken to the hospital... I don't remember leaving my house...
I remember waking up to my Grandparents and my mom staring at me, my mom looked so relieved that I had finally woken up. Apparently, the doctors had told her that my brain had swollen to a point that concerned them greatly... I didn't even know that I scared my mom have to death...
When I told my closest friends that I was a Type 1 Diabetic they all kinda gave me the same reply... "but you're not fat"
Any other diabetic reading this is probably thinking the same thing...
NOT ALL DIABETICS HAVE PROBLEMS WITH THEIR WEIGHT. DIFFERENT TYPE OF DIABETES.
Those three points that I talked about earlier well, I'm gonna tell you what I heard when they tried to teach me these things,
1. You're gonna be okay. : You're screwed.
2. This is manageable and you can do it. : This is gonna ruin your life and you have no choice but to live with it.
3. Your life will change. : I hate Needles...
Diabetes sucks. I'm not a doctor so I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.
This is Diabetes Unmasked.
This blog is gonna be mainly about my struggles in my diabetes. If there's something you want to tell me, whether it's a story, or something you want me to talk about from my personal experience, comment below.
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